Here’s the deal…
(journal entry #4076)
The year was 2014 and God asked, “DO YOU TRUST ME?”
“Yea yea Kristyn, how many times are you going to say this?” Haha I know you’re thinking it. But look, I want to be as honest as I can possibly be and… Well… here’s the deal…
The year was 2007 and I was a college sophomore realizing that this feeling of clicking with my female friends was in actuality infatuation with the same sex. You know how you have a hunch as a kid but everyone tells you that “it’s a phase” just because they don’t really want it to be true. So you just end up bottling it up for so long until you burst? Well yea, that’s how it was for me.
In fact, it was so much so that I got a boyfriend just for the hell of it. I mean he liked me and I didn't want my mama to keep asking when I was going to bring home a boy… and he was available. (SIDENOTE: I ended up finding out what love was and wasn’t with him. May he RIP). But anyway, this had become my life throughout my first few years away from home. Not really knowing how to navigate it, I began to expand my horizons about what it could be.
During that summer break, I received a message from a girl who was “interested” in me. So I did what the curious cat did. I wrote back. And as this conversation grew, we eventually grew into a relationship. I found myself pretty damn smooth and was trying to figure out who this “new” girl was that I started to play everybody I came in contact with. Keeping my sexuality on hush, I slowly became “that dude”. While I was with him, I was also with her and I had mastered the art of living a double life.
This had gone on for the next few years. Broke up with him (and her)… got with another him (and her) and the cycle continued. It wasn’t until I had to be real with myself that I stopped getting with him and only got with her. My life was awesome. Why? Because I was doing what I thought I needed to do in order to be FREE.
Fast forward to post graduation (year 2012 or so). My mother, grandmother and homie Freddie (insider) went to the Rose Parade. At this time, I was with another girl. Still with no-one knowing but my close friends (ANOTHER SIDENOTE: get you some friends who will hold your secrets but will also tell you when you’re wrong). Well my praying mother and her intuition felt as if she should call me later on that day and ask me if I was gay. Now remember when I said I had mastered the art of living a double life? Well, I guess not! I’m a firm believer that MY MOM can literally sense or see all because that was really out of left field. Stunned, I had nothing to say so I sobbed. I wasn’t sobbing because I was sad but I sobbed because I didn’t know what was coming next. After so many years of masking it and having to live a shameful life, I was relieved that it was out. But I was sooooo nervous of what was coming out as her response next.
As we were both crying over the phone, she then took this big gulp and told me these words that I STILL TO THIS DAY hold dear to my heart. She told me and I quote, “Kristyn, I love you whether you are gay, straight, brown, yellow, red or green. You are my child... Am I happy with it, not at this moment. But I want you to know that I don’t love you any less. This is just something I will have to grow to love. I do want to tell you that if this is the life you want to live, I want you to be the most fabulous lesbian on this planet…” as we continued to cry and sniffle she ends with the reminder, “Kristyn, I love you.”
To hear the words that, no, my mom isn’t happy with the lifestyle I’m in BUT she wants to learn and wants me to be the most FABULOUS lesbian ever????? There was no way I wasn’t eventually going to see the beauty within myself.
I honestly believe THAT was the first step in opening the doors for change. The first step in this journey I call Loc’d Faith.