Church Hurt (part 1)

Journal Entry #289304

I’ve always been involved in the church… Not sure if it was because I wanted to or because my parents wanted me to be. Who am I kidding?! Of course it was my parents lol putting me in things, like the choir and plays, until I got some sense of my own to be a part of the volunteer world of the church myself. But I was always at the church and I was always involved… lol

During that time you would hear over and over about what you’re not supposed to do or how you’re not supposed to be or you’ll go to hell. Like there was nothing else to discuss.. do wrong and go to hell haha and as a kid that mess was a bit scary. Like it just seemed like if I farted wrong God would be displeased. It was a lot to carry. Especially because I knew something else was different. 

Of course back then I couldn’t put my finger on the exact thing that made me different until I got a bit older but I knew that something was altered about the way I saw the world. It wasn’t until high school where I found out exactly what that difference was… BUT growing up in the church I couldn’t freely express that anyway.

You know everyone sinned but I couldn’t wrap my brain around why MY sin of being gay was so frowned upon in the church. I mean the choir director was CLEARLY gay and maybe even some deacons but it was always a sacred thing.. Like you would just hear “he got a little sugar in his tank” or “he’s a little funny” followed by the 45 degree angled hand…and so on and so forth.

Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever saw an openly gay woman in the church either. They use to joke around and say that the girl drummers were always gay and I was like “well I’m not playing” cuz then they’ll know. We were tomboys who liked sneakers instead of heels. But that’s crazy that I couldn’t just be good.. I had to be good and gay haha but anyway… Yea because it was so frowned upon, you couldn’t express it like you needed to. There was no safe space..

On top of that, it was even more difficult for me because of who my parents were. Front and center leading the people into the presence of God every Sunday… like really God? You couldn’t have my parents just come to church and sit down.. in the back?! So that heightened my gayness as well. I was a representation of them and didn’t want to disappoint or make them look bad. So I was silent for years!

I actually ended up leaving the church for quite sometime because when I came out people would give me slick backhanded compliments… and because of who I was a child of (particularly my mom at this point) they judged me and to be honest I’m pretty sure they judged her as well. So I was out! Since my sin was so bad for people to accept, I went where I knew people would accept me…. The world…

Of course now I understand that that wasn’t the only reason I left the church. I left because of shame and guilt too and I wasn’t ready for correction but I’ll talk about that later…. Nobody talked about forgiveness and redemption and I often wonder how many people would be saved if everyone had the equal opportunity to see and experience God for themselves without any backlash? 

To be continued…