Church Hurt (part 2)
Journal Entry #298
I feel as though church hurt is something a lot of people face especially when “the church” is supposed to be a safe space. I never understood why so many church people judge each other when we’re all messed up.
I’m on the other side of a lot of things experienced and I truly believe that I need a therapist to work some of this out, but for now you all will read my thoughts. It’s a great release for me because although you know who I am, you don’t know what I’ve gone and are still going through. Everybody is here for my success now but were nowhere to be found when I was going through what I was going through while in my gayness.
Everybody applauds now that I “fixed my life” but I wonder if given the opportunity to experience forgiveness and redemption earlier on, what my life may look like today. Some church goers sit up in church, on live and comment such things as amen, hallelujah, thank you Jesus, but when it comes time to actually talking to the neighbor that looks nothing like us, we’re quiet. When the preacher speaks to the point that we like, we’re loud but we don’t correct our brothers and sisters in our circle. I’ve seen people hold grudges over who hangs out with who, or who didn’t get invited to the Bishop and First Lady’s gathering.... and I wonder if we attend church just to say we attend church or if we really care about changing the body of Christ.
I believe there is too much going on in the body of Christ for outsiders to actually see and experience Christ. Now I’m not saying all of this as a way to excuse myself because obviously I’m a part of that body and I mess up all the time. I’m saying all of this because I have been hurt by “church goers” who claim to love Christ as Christ loved the church.
I’m not looking for any apologies or sympathy because what’s done is done… but I do think about all the other people who came to church just to get rejected. I think of church as the hospital and the body is made up of doctors (pastors), nurses (congregation), etc. If I go to a hospital and I’m in dire need of an IV or an antibiotic and nobody gives it to me simply because my wound looks different or because I live a certain way, a lot of people would be dead.
We love to pick and choose who we accept and who we don’t accept based off of our relation to people. We pick and choose which sin is more dangerous to the body instead of looking at ourselves and in return doing things in love. The church is just the image but what’s inside, both it and us, is what matters.
When I left the church, I honestly couldn’t function. Yea I was living out my gayness, but something was missing. I went from always being in the church to not going at all and I wasn’t being fed something I knew I needed. I wasn’t given the opportunity to reject good teaching if I wanted to. Sometimes fellowship is the starting point for a person’s healing. When rejected from the place we call safe, it’s impossible for that to happen.
Again, now on the other side of things, my goal isn’t to convert anyone that is gay to be straight. My goal is to simply welcome everyone as Christ did… to not be just a church goer. I don’t have all the answers, I just have the thoughts in my head, and I try to rectify what has been done to me in the past. I want my life to be an example of what God can ultimately do if we surrender to His will but first, if we accept people that don’t look like us…