The Belief vs. The Wait
(Journal Entry #84536)
Have you ever heard from God and got impatient in your waiting? Like upset and confused? Doubtful?
“Alright God, it’s been some time now. Although I’ve fallen several times after saying yes, you told me that there was this special relationship out there for me! I know you didn’t say when but my hair got some length on it and all signs lead to a few prospects. What’s the hold up?! Where he at?!”
Well yeah me too.
I thought that after I said yes to Him, that He would “grant my wish”. It’s really difficult to see something and anticipate it coming to past. The Bible (and my father) says “do not be anxious for anything” but ya girl is anxious.
I mean I gave up a whole life for a vision that who knows will come true! I rerouted my way of living and try to do what you called me to but yet and still no husband. I’m watching all of my friends get engaged and married. People on the internet in love and flourishing and here I am. Sitting here scrolling hoping for a fairytale relationship.
Am I crazy? Yes. I have to be. To through away everything for a dream?! Who’s to even say the vision God gave wasn’t just a hoax and something I made up in my subconscious…
But, what if the love I am so familiar with and have experienced isn’t really love? What if I don’t really know the meaning of relationship? What if all my experiences were precursors to the true love that was once familiar but long gone? Maybe just maybe, the love I thought I experienced were just eye openers for me to refocus on the ultimate love. To redirect my “I want to be in a relationship” thoughts into “I need to better my relationship” thought.
What if this is all to show me that I am capable of loving in a committed relationship… but with the one who knows my ins and my outs? That I am able to be without physical relationship and dive into who God is calling me to be.
You know ever since I declared my true identity in Christ, my perspective has changed. But it has been in question… But it has been a confidence builder… But it’s also been extremely doubtful…
God loved me so much that He gave His only begotten son… That’s love fa sho! I don’t know too many people that would sacrifice their child for you, Kris. Hell, folks barely like to sacrifice time to help you out. Like, God himself loves me so much that He didn’t want me to stay the same. He wants me to prosper. He wants to see me flourish in a different light. He wants to be the reason I learn how to love properly.
Why wouldn’t He though? Everything He gives is the best of the best. He loves me enough to tell me about myself and show me my heart. The same heart He gave. The same heart He knew would break, tear, and ache. Like the love I have for myself and the realization of my worth has increased just based off of the love that He’s continually shown me.
So if I believe all of this, why don’t I believe that there is true physical love waiting for me?