Nah… you trippin!
(journal entry #1290)
What would you do if you were in a loving, fun and almost married relationship with someone and God gives you a vision of who you're going to marry…… BUT it’s not the person you’re currently “engaged” to?
*crickets*
Seriously, what would you do?
Panic? … Yea, I would probably say PANIC. Haha.
As I stated a few entries ago, all of this happened while I was in an almost, rest of my life, relationship. I thought I was with who I was supposed to be with. My queen…. *cue attitude* then God had the audacity to tell me that I’M THE QUEEN. Whatever…
Ok, so on our somewhat exciting time on vacation, I felt uneasy. PRIDE was well and alive but I didn’t feel “at home”… Always self-conscious about myself and my attractiveness, I found myself jealous. Jealous of my girl and the attention she was getting. Jealous, that even though my family called me a pretty girl, I was sitting here looking like a handsome boy. Unnoticed. I mean things didn’t feel the same. It was weird and I was becoming more angry and shameful with the life I was living.
C’mon Kristyn. You just proposed to this girl. You have great chemistry. Y’all look good together. Nothing is wrong. Focus on what’s in front of you. Snap out of it. You’re tripping.
I was making memories. Memories that I knew would eventually come to an end. The battle of myself vs God was too big of a struggle. I was losing. My attitude grew. We started arguing more. Things started to shift. Our attitudes became vicious. BUT our demons loved each other so every now and then, we would be good. There was nothing a little smoke couldn’t cure.
Once the smoke faded, my jealousy grew. I made up scenarios in my head. Because if it’s worst than what it actually is, I’ll be good when it happens. Jealousy took over me and I couldn’t shake it. The feeling of not being attractive, not being wanted, not truly being loved was heavy. I lashed out.
AYE YOU GOTTA GO… YOU CAN’T F*CKING STAY HERE ANYMORE!
What?! Where am I supposed to go?
I DON’T KNOW BUT YOU CAN’T F*CKING STAY HERE ANYMORE! YOU NEED TO LEAVE!
What the f*ck?! Are you f*cking serious right now?! You’re just going to kick me out into the street? How dare you! Where am I supposed to go?
THAT’S FOR YOU TO FIGURE OUT! I’M DONE!
This is a bad joke right? You can’t be serious! You’re bugging bro.
LOOK GOD TOLD ME THAT YOU AIN’T THE ONE SO YOU GOTTA GO! I’M HIGH RIGHT NOW BUT I KNOW WHAT HE SAID. AND WE HAVEN’T BEEN GOOD FOR A MINUTE SO LET’S JUST STOP PLAYING….
You gotta be f*cking kidding me..
LOOK I’LL GIVE YOU A WEEK TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS BUT I NEED YOU GONE!
To say the least, that relationship ended on a bad note. Looking back I probably could’ve handled it better but I was lost and found at the same time that nothing made sense. I was angry at God for giving me a vision that who knows will ever come true. I was angry at my girl because of the scenarios that I put in my head. I was angry at myself for how my behavior had changed.
She packed her stuff. Her parents pulled up. We said goodbye.