Lord, Help My Unbelief.

(Journal Entry #679304)

So, as you know God gave me a vision of my husband. Like everything about it was bomb. I seemed genuinely happy and so did he. I then saw my child as he said “mom”. Fast forward to being rejected in reality, I became doubtful. Once that vision wasn’t how (or who) I saw, I got discouraged. And if I’m being honest, I stop believing in this fairytale that I was so gung-ho on. 

I often wonder that if I only had the vision specifically of this person because of the time spent. I thought that maybe I made this all up in my head and nothing was for real. That maybe I shouldn’t have said anything and taken things into my own hands that maybe the vision would still be valid. The thought of unworthiness came upon me and led to me not believing in love. 

I mean, I was already skeptical due to my parents’ divorce and the countless meaningless relationships I’ve encountered. I was kind of starting to believe…. but it’s been a while now and still nothing. I contemplate not even being a part of His master plan in the sense of being fruitful and multiplying due to the disbelief that I will be a married woman. It goes back to the insecurities I had growing up and as an adult in the sense that I am tomboyish. Am I not pretty enough? Is there something wrong with the way I carry myself? Or is it that I wear sweats and sneakers majority of the time. So many things run through my mind as to why I am unbelieving. 

Honestly, I think it does have something to do with rejection. I am too afraid to even try. The thought of me liking someone and going forth to only get rejected frightens me. I don’t want to look like a fool when I “shoot my shot”. I am simply waiting for something that may not even happen. For me, it’s a mindset because if I know God is able why, again, don’t I believe He can’t do miracles in my love life? Why do I believe that everyone around me can find love and I’ll be sitting here without a plus one? 

I redirect my mind into throwing the idea of marriage out of my head and have focused on my purpose (without marriage) that God wants me to complete. At first, I thought that marriage was my goal but if God doesn’t send me my Boaz, I’m going to continue to work to gain God’s glory. My past is not pretty, and I wonder if that has anything to do with it as well. For all I know he could be reading this and thinking to himself “ah nah playa I’m good”. The thoughts that run through my head. 

“Kristyn, he’s out there!” Yea… but I don’t believe he is. I know that God’s word will come to fruition, but I’m surrounded by the thought that whoever he is doesn’t want me because of my past. That at any given moment I’m not satisfied, I’ll then go back to what I know. I mean, that was my cycle. So, who’s to say that he won’t believe me when I wholeheartedly say I’m done?