I’m Afraid…
(Journal Entry #345678)
“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done…”
This is how we should pray, but if I’m keeping it a buck with you, my prayers don’t look like this… And I should probably pray more than I do. AND if I’m being COMPLETELY honest, 80% of the time my day doesn’t even involve Jesus.
I know, I know, you real spiritual folk spend your days praying every second of every hour and don’t have this problem. More power to you! But as for me, the first thing I do when I wake up is open my phone instead of opening my bible (and they’re right next to each other)… I say what’s up to my dog before I even say thank you to the one who gave me life yet another day.
It sucks and I want things to be different but it’s a difficult task.
Why is it a difficult task, you ask? Because of fear! Well at least for me it is… Fear stops me from praying big specific prayers because I am afraid of getting my world wrecked. Because once I send up that prayer, it’s in God’s hands… and based off past events, He will rearrange things QUICK whether I like it or not. And it’s not always a bad thing. Most of the time it’s never a bad thing but I just can’t see that in the moment.
I think being specific about your prayers is dangerous. Not only for you but for the trajectory of your life. There have been too many times where I have prayed “Lord, help” and God has removed everything I know in order to help me. WAIT! I didn’t mean help in that area. I want you to help here and only here…That’s why I don’t pray big prayers. I’m afraid of what I will lose instead of what I will gain.
WHOA! Run that back?!
I’m afraid of what I will lose instead of what I will gain… Isn’t that crazy? Like, I’m really out here stopping my growth and my blessings because I don’t want to change my comfortable life for God’s best. That just clearly sounds like insanity! Doesn’t it? But that’s how it is.
Ok look, don’t get me wrong, I pray…. “thank you Lord for this food and let it be a nourishment to my body…” Wait, I do pray! “Hey God… me again. I messed up and I need your help to get me out of this.”
That’s when you’re supposed to pray, right? When you’re in need of Him to do something for you? Like rather than just taking the time to actually listen, sit in His presence and thank Him for all He has done for me I say “your will be done” but “nah slide my will in there with yours.” Why? Because I’m selfish.
I don’t want you to get to know the real me. I don’t want to have to be inconvenienced with having to talk to you about the things you should already know. There are just some things I rather not talk about or expose.
But if all of this is temporary why not create this relationship with Christ and make it the best relationship I’ve ever had and in return gain the promises that He gave me? It sounds so easy but I am afraid!