Life After Declaration…
(Journal Entry #85902)
2015 and I’m yet again single. You know, at 27 I thought I’d have somewhat of my life figured out… but here we are again… starting from the basics. Ok, I guess…
God, why you do this to me? Why did You disturb a beautiful thing? Like c’mon. I had everything I ever wanted. True love! And it was waiting for me. You took that away and now I have to act like I’m this changed creature. This is just too much to handle.
Do I have to act like I’m a changed creature? Wait, am I? Well I do kind of like this color lipstick. OOO and this one too! … I think I’ll get my lashes done next week. Individual lashes make me feel so pretty! Yaasssss…….. Whoa, wait. What. Is. Happening?! Lipstick and lashes??? Nah. Hold up playa! This wasn’t in the agreement!
Umm… OK God, let me just declare that I am done with this old life and I am new in you…you gave me this vision and I’m going to try my best to do right by you but ion know. People gon’ think that I took a magic pill and just became straight. You sure God?… Whatever Lord, if this is what you want from me then so be it. Yea… ok let’s do this…
I’ll just act as if this is the easiest thing to go through. And that it happens overnight. Because God really does work miracles, right? I mean people really don’t want to see the struggle part anyway. They want the ending where everything is peachy and you’re perfected. Yea, ok God. Let’s do it.
Time is moving forward and honestly, I am falling in love with who I am becoming. I can actually start to see things manifest. I got a little hang time with these locs and I’m smiling more… OH! So THIS is what I’ve been looking for all of these years! ME! It’s always been me! Okay God, I see you manifesting things.
Wait, am I attracted to him? I mean he’s cool but I’m not his type. I can low-key see this happening. Chemistry is dope so maybe! I mean he seems like he likes me but I don’t know. Maybe he’s scared like me? I mean he’s seen my relationships and how I’ve conducted them and maybe that’s a turn off… Whyyyyy hasn’t he said anything?!
Mom, I need some advice because I think I’m tripping. “Nah, you not. Just be cool.”
Auntie, what this sound like? It sound like him huh?! “Yea, girl. God is good!”
That’s what I’m saying!!! But wait, if it’s him, why he ain’t got no locs on his head like You showed me…. Look, I’m dressing up to fit the part. To make myself attractive and to grab the attention of him. But… It ain’t working! That friend zone is high and I don’t really know how to do this! Am I missing something? Help me!
I can’t really talk to anyone because nobody understands what I’m going through. UGH! I am frustrated. I am longing for relationship and now that I’ve started over, I feel like it’s not going to happen! At least how You showed me. God, I am not believing.
Hey, I thought You said I’d be married if I loc’d my hair?! It’s been a minute now.. Like a whole year and a half! What am I missing? Do You not remember what YOU told me? My fault. I’ll be cool.. Cuz all the signs do lead to him. So maybe I wasn’t tripping. Maybe it is real.
Mom, he’s loc’ing his hair… Ok. Let’s go God! I’m back…
False alarm. That didn’t last…………. One year later, I’m back to the beginning. How did I end up here? Damn she fine! And she got a little attitude too?! Aw wait, she got kids?! Yo that’s different…. but then I’ll already have a family.. Aye, I’m always up for a challenge… Yea yea, remember the vision. Buuuut that ain’t happened yet.. And I’m starting to think that’s not ever going to happen sooooo…
Aye girl. Come here. They call me Yogi. What’s your name?