#RememberTheBonfire
(Journal Entry #125690)
“Hey God.. It’s me. Look, I know You don’t want to talk to me anymore because I have not done what you asked of me. But trust me I’m going to get back on track. You know me… I fall. I get up. I fall. I get up… but you see it’s just this girl man. Something about her I’ve never had before and it’s intriguing. Why can’t I shake this feeling for women? We are so bomb… but You don’t want this life for me. You want me to keep pretending. How. I’m really confused… Why do I keep finding myself in the same situations if I’m so called changed? I know why… because You haven’t come through for me like You said You would… Look, I’m not getting any younger and I want what You promised me but I’m tired of waiting! So either You gon do what You gon do.. Or imma keep doin me… it’s simple.”
Have you ever rushed God? Like He told you something was coming but your patience wasn’t there? Have you ever gotten so upset with Him that you took matters into your own hands? Then got mad at Him because things didn’t turn out how you planned? … Yea? … Me too..
I’m often reminded of the picture of a hand holding a rope. It’s in so much pain and causing so much damage because it’s holding on so tight to this rope. But if the hand would just let go, the pain would go ultimately stop. This was my life… I think about how further along I could’ve been if I would’ve just let go. If I would’ve just listened without question… That somehow after I said I trusted Him with no ultimatums, maybe I would already be a wife and mother.
I got so tired of waiting, after doing minimal work, that I ended up with a whole new family that I couldn’t take care of. I think this relationship was God’s way of telling me “I told you so” because the next couple of years were painful. It was as if the devil himself was living with me.
Where you gon go Kristyn?! Nobody cares… Aww boo hoo. Suck it up.. Haha you think you can go to God?! He doesn’t love you anymore. He’s upset with you. He’s already disowned you. You’ve disgraced His name… Haha you’re so pathetic. How could you ever believe that God changed you? You know you like women. And let’s face it, that’s never going to change. There is no dream husband for you. This is your family now. You are right where you need to be.
This relationship broke me. I kept saying that I never had someone like her and it was true in more ways than one. Her abuse of cocaine and alcohol plus insecurities of past relationships turned into verbal and physical abuse in front of two innocent kids. I was crumbling. I wasn’t myself. I started smoking cigarettes. I drank at 10am before my shifts. I was lost.
I had never given someone all of me to get absolutely nothing in return. She was a leech who would not stop latching on. I didn’t know how to get out. I was hurting but I didn’t have anyone to turn to because “I was delivert” and I failed. So my pain was kept in a locker at the bottom of the basement and I had to act as if nothing was ever wrong. “Hey Kristyn! How are you?” I’m okay.
I had to figure out how to rid her of my life. It was becoming too much and I was going broke supporting this family that wasn’t even mine. I was up to a pack of cigarettes every 3 days. My life continued to go down hill.
The day came when she totaled my car and although upset, I immediately thanked God for the window of escape. I wasn’t sure on how to get to the outside of the window but I was going out fighting. Literally.
Remember to always heal before getting with the next person. It will save a lot of time and pain because hurt people hurt people.
As I sobbed and drove my wrecked car home, my best friend came to my rescue. She asked me if I needed anything and I told her “I need to start over”. So, I piled the girl’s stuff and her kids stuff in my small back patio, added some lighter fluid and lit a match.